Allowing in Obedience

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Reading Dom Jean Leclercqs’ ‘Alone with God’, with words that permeate my sufferings at this time. On obedience to the eternal God of my soul. Dom Leclercq writes speaking of Jesus:

‘’Through obedience He accepted hunger, sleep, vigils, weariness, and all the miseries that are common to men. Besides that, he accepted extreme poverty, exile. And subjection to the crowds that pursued him that it is recorded in St Johns Gospel that he had not enough time to eat his bread. He did not refuse to bear the hatred of the chief priests, the scribes, and the Pharisees, as well as temptations from the devil and from man. He bore the suffering of being taken a prisoner, being bound, insulted, hit, tortured, whipped, crowned with thorns, judged, condemned and crucified. He heard reproach and blasphemy yet all through it all he simply said these words: ‘’father not my will, but Thine, be done.’’

How easy, in this time of pain, to become lost and adrift living life inside the afflictions of my own mind. How easy to lose myself within myself. As I forget, moving along shades of dark; losing the ground, the life of my soul that speaks to me of ‘obedience’, of my own stability of heart.
Hearing the call from the depths to come back to my soul…. Allow this night, allow this pain, and allow it to become your prayer of selfless love. Give of yourself suffering the lamentations of grief, of mis-understanding, of barren aloneness as He. Make a holy space to tend to the tender places within,for God lives within all these if you ’allow’ ; unfurling constricting edges of pain unlovingly bound.

In obedience to God I ask the searching question: am I being attentive and listening to Gods will? Or am I diverging along tangents of my own human longing? but again and yet again I tend myself back toward His sacred heart of love. May I be always obedient to the call of grace within my own heart?

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About miriangelwings

As a person living with much internal paradox in mental illness whilst also a deep calling to the contemplative life, I feel called to begin this blog as a means of putting words to some of the internal dichotomies that I daily live with as I live out these two realities and as I move further towards the contemplative life as a lay monastic.

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